Media hype can take a hike
Posted by: Randall  |  Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:17 pm
I'm sure everybody's heard the big news....Winter Sorm Watch for some big ass snow storm coming this week. Really? I really have to hand it to the weather experts for creating mayhem for the stupid masses that don't read between the lines. Listen closley to what they say.

Scattered rain/snow showers for the lowlands, high temps 38 to 41 degrees.

"Some" accumulations "possible" in the convergence zone.

Heavy snow in the mountains.

Rain/ snow showers turning to rain by Thursday.

Rain/snow mix by tomorrow night.

Trace to 1 inch "possible" away from the water.

Scattered showers will be hit and miss.

Some lawns may turn white, some may not.

Ok, the way I read it is.......ratings must be low due to another boring ass winter.
First of all, it doesn't snow when the high temps are 38-41 degrees! All you get is rain as cold as a witches tit. I don't live in the convergence zone so I really don't give a rats ass what goes on up there. Is heavy snow in the mountains an unusual event for cryin out loud? Doesn't rain/snow showers mean they don't know what the fuck it will be, as usual? And by using the term "possible" they don't have to commit themselves to a solid forcast, which they're incapable of doing anyway, even with the most sophisticated equipment money can buy. Some lawns may turn white, some may not......ok.

Why the fuck even mention this "EVENT" in the first damn place? The way the media makes it sound you'd think we all have to panic. Is your vehicle ready for "winter" conditions...do you have plenty of food and water, batterys, flashlights, blankets, emergency kits, tire chains, and a fucking sea-van full of shit you may never use. Good grief.

I've never seen so much overhyped bullshit in all my life, actually I take that back, I hear this same bullshit every year from these douchbags. Snowplows are ready to roll folks so brace yourselves.

Morons.

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Jello filled blow-up doll??
Posted by: Randall  |  Sat Jan 07, 2012 12:00 am
There's no doubt that musicians have a few stripped screws, it wouldn't do any good to try and tighten them because they'll just come loose again, so why bother.

A few days prior to our show New Years Eve at the Central Pub in Kent it was brought to our attention that one of our buds was filling up a plastic blow-up love doll with Jello, and was bringing it with him to the show for a little added entertainment. What? Keep in mind he's a bass player and I don't know what it is about bass players but they all seem to salivate heavily when it comes to finding new ways of fucking shit up. So I'm thinking in the back of my mind about another time when John brought a whole half cooked turkey to a show and watching it get drop kicked accross the dance floor and nearly knocking some poor bitch out just minding her own business. So I'm thinking, ok, what harm could a midget blow up doll filled with Jello do?

So we get to the show, set everything up, and now it's time to drink some beer, as usual. Upon coming back from the bar with a pitcher, I notice this "thing" laying on the table. It's pink, it's plastic and it has what apeers to be a dick. Not to mention the fact that it's one of the stupidest things I'd seen at a bar. I was a little nervous about where this accident waiting to happen might end up, but as long as the Jello stayed "in" it, I'll just try not to think about it.

As the night progressed, we played our set and I considered it a sucksess because I only had one blue screen error. I've gotten pretty good at covering them up though. After you do anything enough times you eventually get good at it. So we break our shit down and pack it all out to the van. Now it's time to kick back and get drunk(er). Just when I'm at peace with the world John comes up to me and says, hey sorry about the hood of the van. AH FUCK! Without even asking, I knew what it was. So I storm over to look, hoping for just a small rupture, when I see what looks like a full blown massacre. "Come on you guys, you got Jello all over the front of the van, all over the windshield, down the vents, on the grille, and this God damned midget with a finger dick just laying there split wide open like somebody took an axe to it." So I threw the dummy on the ground, and proceeded to brush off what I could. And now it's starting to rain, that means the windshield wipers will be smearing this shit all over the window. And now my fucking hands are all sticky to boot.

So John said sorry about that, though I know deep down he was exstatic about the kill. He offered to buy me a Jager shot to make ammends, and being the kind of guy I am, I accepted. We managed to get home and later pass out into slumberland, but the next day was time to go look at the damage. In daylight.

FuuuuuuuuuCK! What a fuckin mess! That fuckin sticky-ass slime was splattered everywhere, it looked like a reenactment of the chainsaw massacre. It wouldn't come off by scrubbing it with a wet sponge and garden hose, which by the way was not a pleasant damned experience when it's like 35 degrees outside. Dustin and I had to scrape that shit off with a god damned putty knife. We spent nearly an hour getting soaked and freezing our ass off. I know one thing, I'm sure somewhere along the line McGiver must have used Jello to glue something together, because it was STUCK!

Anyway, thanks guys for another miserable episode of mess. At least Mr. latex with the dick didn't come home with us like everything else seems to do.

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People who suck
Posted by: Randall  |  Mon Sep 05, 2011 10:52 pm
I have accepted the fact that most people I don't know suck in one way or another. Even some people I do know suck, but at least they know that I don't. A few weeks ago we were in our band room recording some new songs that will be out soon for everybody to get drunk to and rate us on the suckometer, when we hear our doorbell ringing like armagedon is about to take place. My neighbor goes off on us for writing ASSHOLE on the Chinese peoples' garage door accross the street. After telling him that the first people I would suspect is us, it wasn't us! Just because a lot of shit that happens around here might be connected to us doesn't mean EVERY GOD DAMN THING IS! He said he has no respect for us........guess what, we don't give a rats ass. He falls into the "I suck" catagory. We did however put 2 and 2 together and figured out who did it. That's why we don't suck, but the person who did does suck. This person sucks because they knew we'd get blamed for it and even more sucky is the fact that they keep signing us up for all kinds of bullshit advertisements that get sent to my mailbox. I took 3 giant boxes full of crap to the dump full of everything from Temperpedic foam samples to tubes of anal lube, which the dogs managed to get a hold of.
Then there's the lady that went out of her way to stop her car when she saw me walking the dogs up the pipeline and tell me not to let them shit by her fence. She said it's disgusting. Really? If they weren't dragging my ass at 15 miles an hour past her I would have told her the pipeline is Renton property, not hers, and if she wants to call the Renton pipeline police and file a complaint be my fucking guest. Lady, you need to live in a sanitized bubble like the rest of your bleeding heart liberals because if real life ever slapped you in the face you'd get sick and die from it, which would be doing the rest of us a favor. You and your Greguire voting cronnies suck.
And why is it that there are so many crabby old ladies around here? I'm walking my dogs on same pipeline today and some old lady is jogging the other direction. I guess when you're butt ugly AND a bitch, the only thing you got going for you is a fit body. Now, my dogs are very vocal, they're Beagles, what do you expect. So they see her and start barking they're heads off and as she goes by she starts spouting off about those horrible noisy dogs. Go live in that bubble with that other bitch because you two can suck together, and probably would, because I'm sure they're husbands think they suck too. Well, maybe they don't suck, and that could be the root of the problem right there.
People that bring thier tribe of little kids to the store suck bigtime. Take Walmart for example. Ever try to navigate through the aisles with a thousand misbehaved, screaming, zigzagging little brats running all over the place? The mothers always seem like they're too busy trying to manuever their wide cellulite infested asses between the display tables stationed right in the middle of the aisle, good idea suckers. Then when I look annoyed, I'm looked at as an asshole. Those people rate high on the suck list.
Most people have no clue that they suck. They're too busy worrying about being politically correct and expecting everybody else to live in the perfect little world they live in. Everybody whines about smokers, they fuck traffic up on purpose because they think it's their duty to make sure the rest of us obey the speed limit, kids can't enjoy the freedom of riding a bike without a big ass brain bucket on thier head, the city garbage department for forcing me to seperate my chicken bones from my pizza box, it's all fucking garbage dickheads, all those involved in making all these stupid rules, laws and regulations suck. However, somebody that can suck a golf ball through a garden hose might not suck at all. The area of low pressure at the point of vacuum may determine whether they actually suck, or not.
On my next episode I'll define the commonly used word known as bitch. It should be legal to bitch--slap those who suck.

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I fucking HATE WIND!!
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:51 pm
Unless you're a windmill or a windsurfer, wind sucks! It's fucking annoying. My job during the "summer" months, (yea all 60 days of it) is to stripe parking lots. Does anybody know what it's like to spray lines and stencils with a constant 30 MPH wind blowing? The stencils are like a big ass sail, I'm talking BIG ASS NO PARKING stencils! Ever see a 4 x 8 sheet of aluminum take flight off the top of your rig? And then try to put it back with that fucking wind blowing it all over the place? It's a constant battle all fucking day. Then I have to worry about overspray all over some douchbags corvette. Or somebody's 40 thousand dollar bucket of bolts Harley.
When I used to waterski my biggest enemy was WIND! It's a pain in the ass to try and stay upright in whitecaps. It's bullshit when you have to look at the flag outside to determin if the day is gonna suck or not. I hate wind, you can't lay anything down in fear of it blowing away, it always blows bar-b-que smoke in your face no matter where you stand and it fucks up my hair. Not to mention trying to light a cigerrette, or having to stop and think about which direction to piss in, it's all just a major pain in the ass.
A few years back we had a "Thanksgiving Day" storm and it knocked out the power while cooking a big ass turkey. I starved myself all day in hopes of gorging myself like a monarch, but nooooooo, the fucking wind had to arrive and fuck everything up. It knocked down one of my trees and I spent the whole day cutting it up, not to mention it fucked up my sidewalk when the roots decided to launch themselves out of the ground.
The only thing I can think of that it's good for is when John and Dustin released a big bag of packing peanuts into the neighborhood.
Wind SUCKS! The weatherman says it's going to be a beautiful day. yea, ok, I guess around here I should be thankful it's not raining, but a beautiful day to me doesn't include 30 MPH winds blowing all fucking day either. Blow this!

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Big fat majority
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:41 pm
That's right, I've come to realize that retail businesses that sell clothing are geared primarily for selling to the big fat people and I'll tell you why.

I set out today on a quest that I've been putting off for too long, knowing that I'll run into a multitude of frustration. I need a new pair of work pants, painter pants to be specific. I have always been able to rely on my one stop store, The Whistle Stop, for all my work clothing, at the dreaded Southcenter mall. No big deal, go in, purchase the pants, get the hell out, go drink beer. After walking what seemed like 5 miles, can't find it, stopped at that stupid map board and studied it until I was half blind and decided to ask somebody where the hell it's at. Oh, they moved downtown to 1st and Spokane street. Fuck. So I was told that this other place by home depot carrys the pants I'm looking for, so I walk another mile back to my truck and head on over. Now, remember traffic is fucked no matter what day or time you're going anywhere, and makes you wonder why all these people aren't at work or something.

So I go in, head for the painter pants section and there's only 6 pairs on the shelf. Smallest size I could find was a 38 waist. And they went all the way up to 52. Come on man, that's FAT!! I find it hard to believe that somebody working in the trades that wear that size pants can actually do the work. So I ask the guy if that's all he had and he said yes, butt, he can order me my size, BUTT, it will take 2 fricken weeks to get here! Screw that, so I set out on a mission to downtown Seattle.

Rather than fight the I-5 traffic I decided to take the back roads, but somehow I ended up in South Park with no way out because there is no more bridge to cross over to East Marginal Way, so I have to back track back to the freeway and start all over again. This is fucked. So I ended up on West Marginal Way and got stuck behind some Wide Fucken Load truck hauling some dumbass crane all the way to West Seattle. Just by luck I found the on ramp to take me back going east on the West Seattle freeway and finally got off on the 1st avenue exit. Now I run into road construction and it's pouring down rain, as usual, so it's hard to see where the god damn place is.

By luck again, I found it, I park and go in. Upon entering I hear a voice calling out, "welcome to whistle stop". I look around to see who said that and saw nobody. Ok, I know I've been through a lot, but I don't hear voices in my head like somebody I know. Then all of a sudden this lady jumps up from behind the counter, "can I help you?" she says. I'm thinking in the back of my mind, "I wonder what she's doing down there, hmmmmm, na, couldn't be", so I reply, yea I'm looking for some painters pants. So she points to the rack over there and I procede to it. Guess what, 2 fucking racks full of painters pants and all waist sizes above 42! All the way up to 54!! My god man, this is rediculous. So I ask another lady if this is all she has in stock. "Yes, that's all we have". So I asked her why do they only have sizes for big fat people? Responce, "I don't know".

Fuck it, I'll order online from now on. I'd like to witness a 350 pound painter climb a ladder, get real dude.......

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