Piss-bucket-be-gone
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:40 pm
For all those familiar with the shithole outside our bandroom, you're probably asking yourselves, "when is somebody gonna clean that fuckin mess up?" Well, that somebody was me of course, and it was no easy task. I got tired of looking at an old rusty shopping cart full of beer cans and rotting food, 3 pissbuckets (one of them full), glass bottles, busted sign posts, shattered plastic, an old desk shattered in a million pieces and any other unreckognizable shit that somehow migrated to my yard from all corners of the world.
At first I wondered if I could get it all in my truck, and not being a creative organizer, I just started cramming it all in. I saved the full piss bucket for last because I knew it had to be first to go at the dump. Thank god it had a lid on it, but even still, the rancid stench was sickening and I just hoped I could get rid of it without the lid popping open. So I drove really slow, and made sure I didn't make any sudden movements, I had nightmarish thoughts of some asshole cutting me off causing me to slam on my brakes and popping that lid off, thus releasing a chemical substance strong enough to kill everything in a two block radius. Needless to say I was a nervous fucking wreck by time I got there.
So I arrive at the garbage dump, er, as they prefer to call it "refuse station" Why do they call it a "refuse station" anyway, they've never refused any of my shit, even the paint cans and oil bottles that I hid in black plastic bags, er, I mean accidently forgot what was in them. I figured I'd just play dumb, it's worked many times before.
So I back my truck up, put my gloves on, lower the tailgate and grab the handle. My thought was if I just ease it over the side and gently release it, there's a fifty-fifty chance it could hit the bottom without exploding. Well, that didn't work. It hit bottom, the lid popped off, and all that 6 month old piss and batteries unleashed a stink so bad the smell instantly made me feel like throwing up. It was so strong it stunk up the whole facility. This is a garbage dump, it stinks anyway, but this was fucking horrible! I looked around to see if anyone noticed and apparently they did because they were all looking at me as if wondering "what the fuck was that?"
Fearing that the authorities would be calling the spazmat team on me I tried to hurry up and unload the rest of the shit. I got it all out and grabbed the shopping cart, the last thing, and as I dragged it to the ropes and tried to push it through it got stuck. So I'm frantically trying to break it free and again everybody is looking at me. I'm beginning to wonder if they're thinking I just cleaned up a homeless camp, fuck no, this all came from my god damned yard! Finally I managed to kick that fucker over the side, I shut my tailgate and hauled ass.
As I'm cruising down the road I felt a calm come over me, a sense of accomplishment, but in the back of my mind, I know all too well that this could easily happen again......and shit

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Grocery shopping SUCKS!
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:40 pm
I gotta tell ya, I never look forward to going to the grocery store. It's one of those things I compare to going to the dentist, you know it has to be done, but you know you're not going to have a good time. First of all, it's a game of bladder control. After sucking down 4 beers, you just know at some point your're going to have to piss. So you have to decide if you can race to the store, do your shopping and get home in time before you can't hold it anymore. Or are you going to have to explode before the shopping begins. What if you"re in pain just AFTER the shopping takes place and you know you"ll never make it home in time, thus having to leave the God Damn shopping cart outside the restroom and hope some douchbag doesn't run off with it!
What a fucking pain in the ass, so if I'm lucky enough to find a shopping cart, now the fun begins. First off this place is packed, it's 4:00 o'clock in the afternoon and I never seen so many people shopping. Most of the shoppers are old ladys and mothers with small children. It's pretty obvious the old ladys are retired, and it's also pretty obvious that all these young mothers with fidgetty little kids running all over the place don't work, SO WHY THE FUCK DON'T YOU DO YOUR SHOPPING EARLIER, so I can get in and get out after working all day, go home, piss, relax, and have dinner at a decent hour!!
There are no traffic rules for shoppers, they'll plug the isle to examine 15 different cheeses, they never go with the flow of traffic, and the next time some kid gets in my way I'm going to run him over.
Then I always get handed a list of items that I can never find, then if I do find where the stupid shit is, they're out of it, so now what do I do? I finally wormed my way through all the mess and look for a cashier that doesn't have a long ass line of people with so much food stuffed in one cart they can barely push the damn thing, AND THEN the old lady at the front of the line pulls out a bag of COUPONS!! Look lady, I'm hungry, I have to piss, and I aint got time for this shit. But now I'm commited because I have 3 people behind me and the next cashier over is dealing with somebody with food stamps.
So I finally get home and it is brought to my attention that the baggie of pepperoni has a hole in it and they're all soggy.....FUCK THAT, FUCK THEM and FUCK IT!

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Going too fucking slow?
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:40 pm
Here's another stupid experience. The very next night after the Iron Maiden party we were booked to do a show at the cedarwood dome. I would have to say we were a little burned out from last nights concert, working on a few hours sleep and having to go to work that day. But all is good, it aint fucking raining for once, we've had a few beers, so let's rock this place. First thing we do when we get there is find the load-in entrance......see that door up there? Fuckin A man, we're not looking at the stairway to heaven, more like the stairway to a game show, you know, like, "if you can survive packing all your shit up 2 flights of stairs, you can go for the bonus round and play music in front of no audience on a Wednesday night". Fucking awsome!
Hey, I have to give my respects to the sound guy, he was cool and knew what he was doing, he had his shit together, but dude, you need an elevator.
So we did our set, rocked the best we could working on about 25% energy level, packed all our shit back down those stairs from hell and took off for home.
About a half mile down the road Dustin says, "hey, are you going to pull over or what?" I didn't notice, but a cop had his lights on behind me and I didn't even notice. So I pull over and he comes to my door asking if I knew why he pulled me over. Fuck no I don't, I just left the stupid place, I haven't even had time to attract any attention yet!
He said I was going 30 mph in a 45. And I was swerving a little. For christs sakes man, I'm fucking tired, the van has loose stearing, and there's NOBODY else on the fucking road this late at night. So he asks me if I'd been drinking and Johns telling me to say, "fuck yea man, since I was 12 years old". No officer, I maybe had 1 beer.......( Dustin questioned my comment, you know, like, how does somebody have "maybe" 1 beer?) Anyway, he asked me to step out and do the drunk test. First time for me, but the last 2 beers I just slammed down.....er, I mean the 1 I maybe had earlier, haven't caught up with me yet, so I passed with flying fucking colors. Hale-fucking-luea! He said I had a perfect driving record and sent us on our way.
Now I've NEVER had a cop tell me to speed up before, that's just plain stupid as hell.....

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Adventures of dumbass jones and company strikes again
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:39 pm
I've come to realize that being a member of dumbass jones is like strapping yourself into a wild carnival ride and pushing the party button. You better hold on tight and hope to hell you survive. One thing that fucks with my mind is, we always survive.
Our van has been officially commisioned as "the party van", good or bad, it's always an experience. We picked up some of our crazy but loyal freinds last week to go see an Iron Maiden concert, and yes traffic sucked as usual, but we were having a truely epic ride and having a rockin good time. But God Damn it if somebody had to come along and spoil the fun. A cop was sitting off the side of the road and imediately zeroed in on us. "Pull into the casino" he yelled on his mega phone speaker shit, so we did. First thing that comes to mind is HIDE THE FUCKING BEER!! What we did with it, I will not reveal, let's just say that when he approached the door, it was gone. He asked for everybody's ID and had me unlock and open the back doors. Here sits 8 die hard dumbass jones fans in party mode wondering why the fuck somebody had to spoil the party. Well it appears some lady claimed that batman stuck his bare hairy ass out the window and she called the cops. Now I'm the driver, so I can't say whether batmans ass is hairy or not, all I know is this fucking bitch is puttin the smack down on our night. Anyway, the rock gods must have been watching over us because all we got was a lecture on sexual harrassment and indecent exposure and how being a sex offender is a felony. NO SHIT. Well like John said, everybody has an ass so why all the trouble about it?
As our punishment for the aledged crime, the cop made everybody that can't strap in with a seatbelt get out and walk. So they start walking and I drive off. I got about 2 miles down the road and decided they'll never be able to walk the rest of the way, it was about 6 fucking more miles to the concert, so I pulled off and texted them to meet up with me and we'll get the party started again. Well as I'm standing there this big ass yellow school bus goes by with John hanging out the window instructing me to follow it. Apparently Meltallica told this bus driver what happened and he agreed to drive them to the concert, dude, you rock, whoever you are. Not everybody in this world sucks, apparently there are still a few around that don't.
We met up at the show and it rocked big time, and the after party in the parking lot was rockin, we even saw batman in all his glory caving in the roof of the van, but that's ok because at least I never saw his dirty hairy bare ass and shit.

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Soggy, mildew, moss, muddy fucking mess !
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:39 pm
If ya'll have read my past posts, you know I hate this God forsaken part of the country as far as the weather is concerned. I am really not that surprized that the majority of people living in the "Great Northwest" love this soggy moss infected soaked in mud fucking hell hole. I assume they just don't know any better.
I am a busy fucking person, and I don't have a lot of time to "spend the day in my fucking yard" like most of my neighbors. I have to grab the chance to mow my grass when I can "grab the fucking chance to mow my grass"! But it rains so fucking much here that when I do have time, I can't, unless I want to wear a rainsuit........IN FUCKING JUNE!!!!
So last week I waited for the rain to stop, and by some unknown miracle it did. So I dragged the stupid lawnmower to the back yard and tried to start it. I pulled on that fucking chord so many times I ended up with blisters on my hand, I know.....waaaaaa, well let me tell you, it's no fucking fun! After taking a bunch of shit off of it, and fucking with the sparkplug it finally took off. Ever try mowing wet tall fucking grass? It sucks, you have to baby the stupid thing through it because if it dies you may never get it started again and you end up with a lawn that looks like somebody did crop circles who sucks at it.
After running over and chopping up all the dog shit laying around, all the empty beer cans hidden in the grass, pinecones, big sticks, plastic bottles and a sock, I finally accomplished my task. But now it's time for the electric weedeater and I'm feeling a few rain drops on my head. FUCK! Now I'm racing to get this done, but as my luck goes I know I'm in trouble. Sure as fuck, it's starts raining again. My long ass chord is not in the best of shape, been ran over with the lawn mower more than once, so it has bare wires in a few spots. Guess what, yea, I found the fucking spots and got zapped a few times dragging that fucking thing around. Now it's pouring and I'm getting drenched.
Then 2 days later, and of course it's still raining, I get woke up because there's water leaking through the foundation. Turns out the gutters are full of pine needles and the drain is plugged, so there's a waterfall spewing over the gutter and creating a lake next to the foundation. The dumbasses that built the house never sealed the concrete so the water found it's way through the original pins that held the forms together when they poured the cement. Fucking idiots. So I'm packing plumbers putty in the hole to try to stop the leak. I finally stopped it and went back to bed, jesus christ man, does this shit ever stop?
Fuck this weather! Anybody that lives here and brags about how much they like the rain can pack wet grass up their hineys, the day I retire I'm gettin the hell out of this waterlogged soggy muddy moss covered having to wear winter clothes in June fucking pathetic part of the country and moving someplace where I can actually enjoy getting drunk while bar-b-queing without freezing my ass off and getting soaked. Anybody know how to cement an entire yard and roll green paint on it? Fuck it, Gore, you suck, is a matter of fact you should collect a bucket of this rainwater and give yourself an enema with it!

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