This is really fuckin bullshit!
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:39 pm
Yesturday I take my dog to the vet to have her ears cleaned and medicated becuase apparently she's alergic to corn, and everything she eats has a corn byproduct in it. That's fucking bullshit number 1. Second, after the whole ordeal with restling with two very illbehaved dogs, I get the fucking bill. $180.00 dollars. That's bullshit number 2. Then, after my debit card gets sucked away into the abyss of neverending subtractions from my account, I am told they made a mistake, it's only suppose to be $158.00 fucking dollars. So now they have to void the first transaction and create a new one for the correct amount. Fine.
So I go to the god damn cash machine today and find out my balance is minus $338.00 fucking dollars! So I get home and call the vet, I am told to call my bank because they don't show 2 transactions on thier records.
So I call the bank. Guess what, it's all automated, if I spoke spanish I'm sure I would have had better luck, but since I don't I had to jump through a bunch of hoops to even get a response. After many attempts and pushing many buttons I finally get someone on the line. But guess what now? I can hear them but they can't hear me, so I'm screaming information at them, but since they can't hear me they hung up!

FUCK!!

So now I'm super pissed. I take the phone and throw it accross the room. Now I have to deal with that fucking wireless phone that unless you hold it just right to your ear, you can't hear shit. So I go through the whole scenario all over again and this fucked up phone has the same god damn problem.
So now I have to resort to my cell phone which is even suckier, because if it's not held in the right spot against your ear, you might as well not even bother. Finally I get some douchbag on the phone but his voice is all crackely and shit, so I'm having a hard time understanding him. I told him what happened and I want my money returned. OH NO, CAN'T DO THAT, I have to file a claim! After a bunch of arguuing I am stuck with the realization that my money won't be credited back to my account until the 15th. That's 3 fucking days from now and I'm heading to Portland to do a show. What fucking timing!
I hate phones, they're a pain in the ass, but I hate even more when someone fucks with my money. And comcast can go fuck themselves for this rotten good for nothing piece of shit connection.
Is it any wonder why I drink? Fuck...........IT!

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No doggy land
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:38 pm
This little corner of my "yard" is a fucking mess. Believe or not, there was a time when it was much worse. And there also was a time when it was actually nice and clean. But those were the pre-Dumbass Jones days, if you get my drift. This little area of paradise was a dream come true for drunkards that could just "let go" and do things that everybody's mother told them not to do. Breaking empty bottles was a delight, yes it was quite pleasurable. Add an enormous amount of empty beer cans, leftover food scraps, unused or broken musical equipment, road cones, desks, office racing chairs and yard waste, and you have what most civilized humans would consider a dump. But to top it all off, a PISS BUCKET! Fuck yea man.

The problem is, the dogs. Even though they loved digging for unkown treasures, it just couldnt be. So I spent two weeks cleaning that mess up. It was horrible to say the least. I got it back to a fairly livable area again, but it slowly transformed back into a shit pile. I bitched and bitched and held my ground for a long time, but I'm beginning to think I've lost the battle. So my main concern is to keep the dogs out of there.

Luke eats aluminum cans. I know because I've seen shreaded aluminum in his crap. He also eats glass. I've seen him chew up glass like he was eating an almond roca. I don't know whether he's dumb, or just trying to be stupid, but I need to keep him out of there. Not to mention the worst of his habits, drinking out of the PISS BUCKET! So enough is enough. Now there's a fence that so far he can't get through.

But now there's another problem. There's apparently a big rat living under the brush pile that is my next chore to get rid of. Luke, being a hound, can't stand the fact that he can't get at it, so he stands at the fence and barks his head off at 1:00 in the morning. By now all the neighbors have been woken up and I have to climb my dumb ass out of bed, get dressed and go get him back in the house. Ever heard a hound dog bark when he means business? I'd rather beat by China cymbal to death for an hour until I can't hear anything but a steady ringing in my ears.

Shit in a bowl bitch!


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Water "saver" toilets are a bunch of bullshit!
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:38 pm
I'd like to know who the dumbass is that decided WE need a 1 gallon flush toilet? One fucking gallon? It all sounds like a great idea, but it's all a bunch of bullshit as far as I'm concerned. What's worse, is the fact that unless you're a business or live in Canada, you can't get a "real" toilet anymore. Again, we've been forced to accept this porcelain piece of shit for the purpose of "saving water"! Save water my ass, you throw more than 5 squares of TP in it and it plugs up! After you flush the fucker 5 times you might get lucky and see your ( I won't go into it ) dissappear into the depths of the sewer. How's THAT saving water? For christs sakes man, we live in a fucked up part of the country where it rains 300 days out of the year! Why the fuck should we be concerned about saving water except for the fact that the water department is always trying to stick it to us with any excuse they can dream up to suck more money out of our pocket.

I know the earlier designs where problamatic, so manufacturers came up with the super "power assist" toilet. I never bought one because you have to give your left nut to own one, but I'm sure they're just a smoke screen to get the masses to pay more for the same basic bullshit. Anyone ever flush an industrial toilet? Now that's a fuckin toilet! You can dump or throw as much bullshit into as you can dream up, and when you hit the lever, stand back or you might get sucked into the abyss. But you can't buy them at Lowes or Home Depot, so you're basically "shit" out of luck.

When you buy a 1 gallon flush water saver piece of shit, it should come standard with a chrome plated toilet plunger or a standby asscracked plumber. But you might get tired of hearing " Jesus Christ man, not again. You need to stop eating at Mcdonalds dude, this is getting rediculous".

Yea, tell me about it!

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Laundry 101
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:37 pm
Laundry is a science that baffles my mind sometimes, and depending upon how much beer is consumed can alter the amount of baffledness. First off, I seem to lose underware and socks over a period of time. Where do they go? My first suspects would be the dogs since underware and socks seem to be a prize possesion of thiers. But they're not in the yard or anywhere else so I'm assuming they just dissapeared. Some stupid alien science project perhaps? Who the fuck knows, I know I don't.

Then there's the mystery of inside out T-shirts that I can't figure out. I hate it when all my T-shirts come out of the dryer inside-out! It's a pain in the ass. So I decided to do an experiment one day and turn them inside-out right from the get go and see if they end up outside out. Nope, they still ended up inside-out. What the fuck is up with that?

Then there's the dryer filter that apparently I'm the only one that knows exists because everytime I check it, it's plugged solid. I"m really surprized the last dryer we had lasted as long as it did since John and Dustin decided to dry out an old wet log one day so they could burn it. Apparently it made so much god damn noise that they removed it before it could destroy the dryer. Lucky me.

I also hate hanging the fucking shit up. I'd much rather leave it in the laundry basket. It's just so much easier to have all my shit in one spot. All I have to do is dig out what I want to wear from one location instead of searching through the closet or dresser. That's too much work and I aint got time for it. But there's a catch.......the underware and socks have to be at the bottom of the pile, otherwise they end up in a tug-of-war contest between two Beagles. Shit.

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Who gives a flying fuck?
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:37 pm
Is there anybody out there besides me who's sick of hearing about Tigers Woody? I don't give a rats ass about his personal life, or his so called proffessional life either. He's a million dollar spoiled brat that plays the ultimatly boring game of GOLF! Give me a fucking break. It doesn't surprize me in the least that he has nothing better to do than whore his dumbass around because people like him think they're invinsible to the world........."I can do anything I want because I'm a rich spoiled pathetic douchbag that makes a living off of hitting a little white ball accross the grass and dropping it in a little fucking hole". FUUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAT!!!!

How about our wonderful wicked witch of the west govonor? It's bad enough that people are struggling from payday to payday these days, and those are the ones with jobs, but she decides it's time to raise taxes on an already taxed to death state. Fuck her! It's not right that our state government fucked up thier budget and now the only way out of thier incompetence is to make us pay for thier mistakes. Maybe they should cut some fat at thier end for once! How far do we have to bend over before enough is enough? And I'd like to know how many stupid asses voted her in again anyway?! Go ahead and start taxing the air we breath, because I don't give a flying fuck anymore!

It's nice to know that smoking is still allowed in "PUBLIC OWNED OUTDOOR PARKS"! For now anyway, but the writing is on the wall. Those of you closet dwellers that still think this is a free country have your heads up your ass. If I'm smoking in an outdoor park and some goody-two-shoe puritan yuppy has a problem with it, you'll see me on the 5 O'clock news. They can go fuck themselves and shove that taxed bottle of spring water up thier ass. And I'm certain they'd probably enjoy it.

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