Lowes blows
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:34 pm
Due to my extreme level of productivity, my employer was kind enough to reward me with a Lowes gift certificate to show thier appreciation for my accomplishments. So knowing that Lowes is the only place I can use this card I figured I might as well use it to finish the track light system in our studio. Perfect, sort of. I have delt with them before with less than ideal results. But I figured this time I wouldn't have to deal with morons because everything I need should be on the shelf. Wrong. You would think that everything they have on display is available for purchase. Wrong again. The lights that I want are not sold seperatley unless you buy them online. Fine, fuck the lights for now, I need the track first anyway. I need 3 four footers and one 2 footer. But all I could find were 4 footers. I know they make the 2 footers because I found them on the Lowes website. So now I have to go find somebody to ask the dumb question, "do you have any 2 footers?" After wandering around I finally found some dude that looked the part, at least he had a name tag, though I only remember his name being spelled "idiot". So after I stood there for 5 minutes while he helped some other douchbag with a stupider problem than mine, I finally dragged him over to the lighting department. I told him what I needed and he said, I guess we don't carry 2 footers, THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE THEM LISTED ON YOUR WEBSITE?? Oh, maybe I could cut the 4 footer in half! For christ sakes man. So after telling him thanks, (for nothing), I grabbed a few connectors that I needed and headed to the checkout stand. Then I get asked, "did you find everything you needed?" FUCK NO, AS USUAL!! So I headed home knowing that Lowes failed me again and now I have to figure out how or where to get the 2 foot piece of track that I need. I get on the phone, a 1-800 number and get some lady that has such an extreme southern accent I can't make out a fucking word she said. After realizing that at least I'm talking to someone in our own country for once, I did my best to communicate my issue. She said that particular item is not available in the state of Washington. I can't even order it on line, even though it's listed right in front of me. What kind of bullshit is that? So she said all she can do is leave a message with thier management team and they'd call me back. Guess what......haven't heard a fucking word, isn't THAT a surprise! So I called around at various lighting companys only to find out that brand is a "LOWES EXCLUSIVE PRODUCT"! Meaning they're the only ones that carry the fucking thing. But it's not available here and nobody knows how to get it!! STUPID....STUPID....STUPID...!!

So in my confused state, I opened the package with the connectors to look at them and I see that they're black......I need white ones. The package shows a white one on the cover, but upon further inspection I notice a tiny label that says "black". FUCK ME TILL THE COWS COME HOME, now I have to jump back in my truck that leaks oil on the exhaust pipe and creates a blue toxic cloud at every god damn stop light and exchange the black connectors for white ones. So I go to the customer service desk and after spilling all this information short of my mothers maiden name, I can go get the right ones. I go back to the shelf and after emptying the entire row of connectors, I can't find any white ones, so now I have to go find somebody...again...and ask the second dumb question of the day "do you have any WHITE connectors?" So I drag this guy over there and he looks at the boxes scattered all over, (and no, I didn't tell him I'm the one that scattered them around), and he said, well, let's open one up and see what's in it. Guess what?........and you're only going to hear this once........I FUCKED UP! If I would have looked closer I would have noticed a black cover that fits over the WHITE connector! So basically I exchanged the previous connectors for the same connectors, thus, a wasted trip back to Lowes and a half a quart lower on oil.

Fuck this shit....fuck Lowes...fuck the 2 footer.....fuck the connectors...fuck the website......fuck the management team from the south.....fuck the guy that asked me if I found everything I needed....and fuck me for fucking up!! Fuck it.

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Fuck this deep freeze
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:34 pm
John will hate me for this, being born of Viking decent, this cold ass shit weather doesn't bother him, he's actually slept in the snow and thought nothing of it. But being half Italian and preferring Mediteranian type warmth, I get fucking pissed off everytime it gets this cold. I hate it. It sucks. 29 degrees and getting colder. I suppose if I was 350 pounds and carried around all that blubber being used as insulation I would think differently, but since I'm not and I don't, fuck that. The starter solenoid on my truck sticks in the morning because it doesn't like it. The brakes on the van won't break loose because some moisture froze them shut. My heating bill skyrockets out of control and my fucking nose is always running. Then I have to play door monitor for the dogs because they go in and out of the door constantly letting all the heat out. If I don't play the door game with them I run the risk of stepping in dog shit and then I have to limp my way outside in the freezing cold to rinse my shoe off with the hose, which is probably frozen anyway. I've already had to rinse my shoe off in the sink a few times, not pleasant. Especially when it's plugged up from everyones hair. What a fucked up deal that is. Ever try working outside in this shit weather? Your fingers freeze almost instantly and the nose faucet never shuts off. It sucks. Then I have to listen to the news media rant and rave about how "beautiful" it is outside. Fuck them and thier beauty. Then when it snows I have to deal with all those incompetant motherfuckers that don't know how to drive in it. Ever wonder why the birds fly south for the winter? It doesn't take much to figure that one out.
I've lived here all my life, with the exception of 5 years in sunny southern California, and I have never gotten used to this bullshit. Moss and mildew on everything. The summers are great here, all two months of it, if you're lucky. The rest of the year is gray, wet, and cold as a witches tit. You can't tell me that if I don't like it here, go back to where I came from, because this IS where I'm from! That doesn't mean I have to like this cold ass weather, because I don't! And don't get me started on Gore's wetdream "Global Warming"!
The only thing I like cold is my beer. And ice cream.

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Boob Tube
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:34 pm
Now that I got your attention, why the fuck do they call it a Boob Tube? That's dumb as all get out. I'd call it an "OVER PRICED PLASTIC PIECE OF SHIT THAT CLAIMS TO ENTERTAIN WITH HUNDREDS OF CHANNELS OF BULLSHIT 24 HOURS A DAY"! There are some halfass decent programs to watch on occasion, but for the most part it's all crap. How fucking many sports channels does a person need to have? Most of them have nothing on there. How many reruns of cops or Andy Griffith can anyone possibly watch? The last marathon I watched that was any good was Leave it to Beaver for Christ sakes. And that's only because I indulged in too much beer and the god damn dog ran off with the remote! And what the fuck goes on with them stupid movie channels? Dumb fuckers like me pay a hell of a lot of money to watch premium movies that were made 20 fucking years ago?? FIVE TIMES A MONTH?? What the hell are they doing in Hollyweed anyway?
So I got sick of being ripped off and called Comcast. I told them I don't watch 50 fucking sports channels and I don't speak Spanish. I hate that Hanna Montana slut and Ghost Hunters never find a fucking ghost, at least not a real ghost like Casper. So I asked them if they could just shut off all the bullshit channels and lower my outrages bill. Nope, can't do that, it's all a "packaged deal". So basically they're forcing me to spend hours surfing through all the bullshit to find something that might be worth watching. So they said they would set me up with one premium movie channel and that would lower my payment to 95 bucks a month. Ok, fine. But it didn't stay at 95 bucks a month. Every month it kept going up and up and up. What the fuck man? If I switch to bare bones cable, I'll just have less garbage to watch and then I'll get bitched at by everybody in the house.
Then there's the stupid cable box. It disconnects itself everytime I try to switch channels and all I see is a blue fucking screen that flashes "no signal"! Yea, no shit Sherlock! Just as I'm about to throw the god damn controller accross the room, it pops back on. It's just too much fucking work to watch TV, fuck it.
I know one thing, if you want to fall asleep, turn it to the Military channel. They play shit on there that has been played over and over again for the last 50 years! Just make sure you're not holding a can of beer or you'll wake up with a wet ass.

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Fruit flies
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:33 pm
What the fuck is it with these worthless, good for nothing pieces of shit that just won't go away? If God created all creatures on earth, explain to me the reason for this loser fucking bug. Only thing I can think of is he had a "moment of bordom" and decided to send off this little pain in the ass to all corners of the world for a little entertainment. It's kind of like buying your grandchildren the noisiest toys you can find so you can watch thier parents go nuts.
A friend of mine at work said it best, "I don't understand why any fly would have wings in the first place, they could live thier entire life on one turd".
Everyday when I sit at the lunch table, it only takes a few seconds and I'm constantly flinging my hands and arms accross my face to keep those basturds at bay. Ever try to catch one? I'm sick of it! I have to watch my sandwich every second to keep them off of it, I have to LOOK at my sandwich before I take a bite, in fact, I got so pissed off one day I actually wished the fucker would fly in my mouth so I could put an end to it's good for nothing exsistence.
I started getting suspicious and decided to go on a bug hunt to see if somebody taped a bannana peel under the table. Couldn't find anything. I checked the garbage cans, nothing. So what the fuck are they doing there anyway? Hosing my area down with W-D 40 is probably not a good idea since I sit in front of a computer while I eat. I rolled up a newspaper one day and went on a rampage, maybe killed two.
What's worse, one of them must have highjacked my lunchbag and have taken over my kitchen. So we had to resort to rinsing out our empty coke cans because apparently that's where they hide out. Ever try to relax and have this "thing" buzzing past your face every few seconds? It's fucking irritating, man! It's worse than having an itch you can't reach or a popcorn kernnel stuck under your gums. It's all bullshit.

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Renton SUCKS, the sequel, as in number 2
Posted by: Randall  |  Wed Mar 09, 2011 7:32 pm
I can't hold back any longer on this one. I've been patient long enough.

I received my monthly water bill last week. I ripped the fucker open just like always to see how much less money I'll have and was shocked at the bill. Get this....$976 fucking dollars and some odd cents! My normal water bill runs about a hundred a month, so this is 9 fucking times higher than normal. I got on the phone to the utility department to get to the bottom of this major robbery. First thing I hear is a recording, "Se abla espanole press one". What the fuck is up with that? God damn it. After pressing numerous buttons, I finally get put on hold. Then 20 minutes later somebody finally answers the god damn thing. "How may I help you, sir ?" So I commence to explain that I'm a little upset about my water bill. After being put on hold for another 5 minutes, she comes back and tells me I must have a leak. So I tell her that waaaaay back in June I had an abnormally high water bill and was told I had a leak. Guess what, I checked for leaks back then and found none, and since then my bill has been normal, until now. So what the fuck is it, does my so called leak just pick certain months to fuck me over? After telling her this shit she says, "well, the meters don't lie, so YOU have a problem".

So not knowing for sure if it IS my problem, I kept my composure. She told me that I might have a leaky toilet. Instructed me to put dye in the tank and see if it dissipates without flushing it for an hour. I did this to both toilets....NO FUCKING LEAK! She told me to check the small dials on the meter for an hour without anybody using water, did that....DIDN'T FUCKING MOVE! She asked me if my neighbors were filling up their kids swimming pools off my spicket without me knowing it.....come on bitch, that's the dumbest thing I've heard all day.

Ultimately she said I'm responsible to pay the bill, but said she could set me up on a five year leak program to pay it off over time. Oh, how fucking nice of her. I got knews for them, I aint paying it!

So she gave me this number to call a plumber that does moonlighting on the side, and he can come out and dig a trench through my yard 3 feet down to check the pipe, BUTT, if he finds a leaky pipe, I have to pay him for his services. SERVICE THIS MOTHERFUCKER!

So my calm and collected wife says that she will call the guy herself because you get farther if your nice to people. And knowing that it would be impossible for me to be nice about it, I gave her the phone. So she calls this number, gets put on hold, and finally somebody answers. The guy tells her they gave her the wrong number, but he knows the guy she's trying to reach and would give him the message, and said he would be out the next day to look things over. The next day, nobody shows up. So she calls again, and gets put on hold again, this time for 20 minutes or more, and THEN.....a recording comes on and says they're closed! WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT??

So now we have to wait for Monday because now it's the weekend. Oh, but guess what? Monday is a holiday......COLUMBUS DAY! Who the fuck decided to recognize Columbus day anyway? That dumb fucker didn't discover America. He just took all the credit for doing so, WhooHoo, look what I found, a big fucking rock called Plymouth, who by the way went out of business. Stupid moron.

Now it's Tuesday, finally got a hold of the guy and said he'd be out in the morning to check for leaks that I already know I don't have. But hey, if it proves that I'm right and they're wrong, it gives me the greenlight to unleash a hail storm like you've never seen before.

Now it's Wednesday, nobody showed up. If I was a fly on the walls in the Renton utility office I bet this is what I would hear:

"We fucked that stupid homeowner out of an extra hundred bucks back in June and he bought it. Now, if we can stall him long enough, his water bill will just keep going up and up and up, look at all we've put that poor basturd through in just a week, imagine what we can do to him if we drag it out another week. That should teach him for broadcasting how much Renton sucks. "

Number one, they're not smart enough to pull this off. Number two, I aint paying it. Number three, if they shut my water off for not paying it, I'll turn it back on myself. Number four, when I get to the bottom of this, EVERYBODY is going to know about it,..... er, that is if I'm in the right. Number five, I'm hungry and my beer is empty. And number six, just another reason why RENTON SUCKS!

October 15th

Somebody finally shows up for a meter read, but never knocked on the door to tell us the results. Instead he delivers the information to somebody back at the shop and they send us a message by phone. the message says:
"No leaks were detected, meter reads normal, but this is still your bill."

Back on the phone. " Your conclusion is not acceptable." All those morons could tell us is that this has been a dry summer and everybody's bill was a little high, you know, watering lawns and shit.

I DON"T FUCKING WATER MY LAWN! It makes it grow and then I have to cut the son of a bitch. And my bill wasn't just a "little higher than normal", it was NINE TIMES MORE THAN NORMAL!

Does anybody see a pattern here, yea, I'm being blown off. Those motherfuckers will not take me seriously and keep coming up with one lame excuse after another. So now it's time to talk to the supervisor and see what he/she has to say about all this. If I don't get a reasonable explanation, I'm going down there in person and it won't be pretty.

October 19

Supervisor contacted, said investigation will start today. It's now 4:00 o'clock and not a peep. Typical bullshit again.

November 2

The guy that was doing the investigation said he'd get back to us at the end of the week. That was TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO! So yesterday, called the supervisor, had to leave a message because she was "unavailable". Called again today and had to explain the situation ALL OVER AGAIN, and the responce was "oh, you mean nobody called you?" FUCK NO NOBODY CALLED!! Ever get the feeling you're being ignored?
Apparently they replaced the meter and "re-adjusted" my bill to $199.00. Oh, thank you very much douchbags, no explanation, no phone call, no nothing, and the bill is still a hundred dollars more than normal. So I'm assuming the meter was faulty, which means I've probably been overcharged for a long time. Why don't they just man up and admit it was thier fault, no appoligies, no respect and no explanation. FUCK THEM. Now that my bill is overdue I'll have to hand carry my payment to thier stupid fucking office where all the stupid incompentant losers work so some fucking asshole doesn't get an order to shut my water off. I'll pay the $199.00, reluctantly, only because I don't feel like dealing with more bullshit, but if those morons do this to me again, I'll go straight to the WUTC (Washington Utilities and Transportation Commission). I won't deal with those peons again.

People are no damned good. Renton utilities department sucks! And it's too fucking bad that you have to fight to keep them from getting what doesn't belong to them.

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